One of the great ironies of feminism is the insistence that it’s aims have always been to increase the rights and freedoms of women, but realities on the ground suggest significant downgrades for most women. According to feminist ideology, the sexual license of women is why sex must be liberated from Biblical understanding and Biblical marriage must be terminated in order to break free of oppressive Biblical patriarchy. That is why abortion, contraception and no fault divorce are central to the feminist experiment. However, an often overlooked fruit of the sexual license stemming from feminist ideology is the reintroduction of concubines into mainstream society. I would argue in fact, that one of the most comprehensive downgrades is the replacement of wives in the covenant of marriage with concubines in cohabitation.

Concubine (n), a woman with whom a man cohabits without being married: such as one having a social status in a household below that of a wife

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/concubine

Cohabitation has only gained prominence in recent United States history. According to the New York Times,

Cohabitation in the United States has increased by more than 1,500 percent in the past half century. In 1960, about 450,000 unmarried couples lived together. Now the number is more than 7.5 million.

Meg Jay, The Downside of Cohabiting Before Marriage (New York Times, April 14, 2012).

Throughout most of the 20th century, marriage was the normative arrangement and cohabitation was considered “living in sin.”

What is most interesting about this phenomena has been the relational advantages to men. Concubines in olden times were expected to put out sexually and help out around the house or farm. Modern men have an advantage over their ancient counterparts in that these modern concubines also hold jobs to help out with the bills. Many of these concubines are in fact more highly educated and economically productive than their masters. As long as the concubine doesn’t get out of line and keeps up the sexual output, he can hold marriage over her head as a carrot on a stick. Over time he can choose to promote her to a wife, or keep her in suspense as a concubine.

Women are more likely to view cohabitation as a step toward marriage, while men are more likely to see it as a way to test a relationship or postpone commitment, and this gender asymmetry is associated with negative interactions and lower levels of commitment even after the relationship progresses to marriage.

Meg Jay, The Downside of Cohabiting Before Marriage (New York Times, April 14, 2012).

Cohabitation is a relational test from the man’s perspective, but the answer key is always subjective…the goalpost is always moving. It becomes harder and harder for the woman to win over time. And the older she gets, the less attractive she becomes to a potential husband. She acquires more emotional and relational baggage as a concubine. It’s true that she can leave whenever she wants, but over time, the concubine becomes increasingly dependent, financially and emotionally, on her master (especially if children are involved). Again from the New York Times,

Sliding into cohabitation wouldn’t be a problem if sliding out were as easy. But it isn’t. Too often, young adults enter into what they imagine will be low-cost, low-risk living situations only to find themselves unable to get out months, even years, later. It’s like signing up for a credit card with 0 percent interest. At the end of 12 months when the interest goes up to 23 percent you feel stuck because your balance is too high to pay off. In fact, cohabitation can be exactly like that. In behavioral economics, it’s called consumer lock-in.

Meg Jay, The Downside of Cohabiting Before Marriage (New York Times, April 14, 2012).

The progressive feminists can’t account for the evil that lurks in the human heart. God created men to have dominion over the earth and to fill the earth (Genesis 1:28). The sinful heart of man routinely seeks to avoid that dominion mandate through passivity and laziness. If a man can have something for cheaper, he will naturally (and gladly) seek a bargain. Now there’s nothing wrong with bargain shopping per se, but as it turns out, the old adage is also true, “you get what you pay for.” In cohabiting, you oftentimes don’t ever achieve marriage, or the marriage that does result is a less secure version of marriage done biblically. Cohabitation is a cheap imitation that cannot compete with a robust theology of marriage as revealed in Holy Scripture.

So, what is the answer? You guessed it! Biblical marriage as outlined in Genesis 2:23-25. Let’s look at this passage together.

23 Then the man said,

“This at last is bone of my bones
    and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called Woman,
    because she was taken out of Man.”

24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. 25 And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

Genesis 2:23-25 (ESV)

There are at least three elements represented here in the first recorded wedding ceremony. First there is a public declaration of commitment by the man to the woman before God and others. Earlier in Genesis 2, God declared that it was not good for man to be alone. God then formed the wild beasts and birds of the sky and had Adam name all the animals. One can imagine that this parade of creatures was truly magnificent, but the Bible records that none of them were comparable to Adam. God causes Adam to fall asleep and takes one of his ribs and fashions a woman named Eve. Upon seeing her, Adam makes a public declaration of commitment to this one, “bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.” Not only was God present for this declaration, but all of heaven and earth were present for the uniting of this man with his glory (1 Corinthians 11:7). Secondly, the Bible indicates that this relationship takes precedent over all other relationships, in a very public way. In verse 24 when a man leaves his parents, the Scripture is saying that there is no other relationship that is more important than the marriage relationship. In ancient times, and especially in an honor-based culture, family is the most sacred relationship on earth. A man publicly breaks relationship with his parents in order to establish a new family for the purposes of bringing greater levels of dominion and multiplication of humans upon the earth. Lastly, the Bible records the consummation of the marriage in verse 25. Interestingly, God’s Word declares there was no shame in this way of pursing marriage.

Cohabitation works toward marriage in reverse order of the Scriptures. You start with sex (a concubine) and then test the relationship to see if it can work. If the sex is good, everyone behaves themselves, and you don’t find a better concubine in the mean time, then you can work toward a public declaration where you’ll settle for the best you can do apparently.

But again, most cohabitation ends up in something less than marriage. I have counseled and prayed with many women who desire marriage, but they are stuck as a concubine with no clear path to marriage. They try to talk about marriage with their “boyfriend” only to be told after a few years that he’s still not ready yet; she’s merely a concubine holding on to a lingering hope that someday her “boyfriend” will come around and propose.

So what is the way out cohabitation? There is much more to say in regard to the role of families and especially fathers when it comes to preventing women from falling into the trap of concubinage. Young women are attractive targets to predatory young men, therefore it is necessary to set healthy expectations for young women. In many corners of society, there is tremendous pressure for a single woman to get an apartment and start a life on her own. This is a difficult proposition for anyone, and combined with a desire for marriage, it’s not difficult to see how these expectations create a tendency toward cohabitation. However, a woman is better served by living with her parents, under her father’s spiritual and physical protection or at least in a roommate situation so that she is not alone. Even men with the best of intentions routinely make mistakes in courtship since they are controlled by their flesh desires. That is why it is important for a woman to partner with her father, whenever possible, to help in the courtship process. Setting biblical boundaries for courtship minimizes the opportunity for a woman to fall into a dreaded cycle of relationship failures. For further reading on this topic, I commend to you the book Her Hand in Marriage, by Douglas Wilson.

But what about those currently in cohabitation? What is a redemptive way out? The first step is to agree with God that cohabitation is a transgression against Him. Sex outside of marriage is always wrong, full stop.

Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.

Hebrews 13:4 (ESV)

The second step is to seek God’s forgiveness and the forgiveness of the one with whom you have sinned. God promises to grant forgiveness when we ask Him, as well as remove His condemnation.

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

1 John 1:9 (esv)

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

Romans 8:1 (esv)

Seeking the forgiveness of the one with whom you are cohabitating is often the most difficult step. The other person may not feel that they (or you) have done anything wrong. As a result, they may not be open to such a conversation. But continue to pray on their behalf and ask the Lord to work in their heart. Hearts are changed when God’s people pray.

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

James 5:16 (esv)

Finally, act in obedience and trust God to provide. You may be able to pursue marriage immediately. Agree to a period of sexual abstinence while you prepare for marriage and find a pastor who is willing to conduct biblical per-marital counseling. If at all possible, try to find a place where you can live temporarily apart (a friend’s couch). Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness (Matthew 6:33) when it comes to your future marriage. Treat marriage as holy because the Lord treats it as holy (Ephesians 5:25-27). If the other person is still unwilling to pursue marriage, then begin to pray that the Lord will provide an avenue for you to pursue righteousness. What would it look like to have your own apartment? Can you find a roommate of the same sex? Is it possible to move in with extended family? Ask yourself, “How can I adjust my living situation so that I am honoring the Lord and my future spouse?” It may not be possible to resolve immediately, but put your trust in God.

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:19 (esv)

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you tempted beyond our ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

1 Corinthians 10:13

Our nation once had a culture of marriage which it exchanged for a culture of cohabitation. Reclaiming the culture of marriage is not an easy task, but it will require God’s people to take seriously His commands regarding sex and marriage. When we do so, future generations will look back with gratitude on our courage to act in faithfulness to God. By God’s grace, we can rebuild the culture of marriage one household at a time.